The hardest Monday

Monday, March 21st 2011

What a day! It was your first day at the babysitters. I did much better than I thought. I cried when we left Paula's house on our way to work. I pulled it together, but when I went to get my bags out of the back of the car, I cried again because I saw your carseat & it was empty. Daddy was so supportive & kept telling me how much fun you were having & that you'd be laughing at me for crying.

Speaking of work, it was my first day at West Virginia Wesleyan. I thought about you all day. My day was full of meetings, getting shown around the office, learning new things & paperwork. I LOVE working with Daddy. Though our offices are at the opposite ends of the hall, I just like knowing he's there if I need him. We got a call from Paula by 10-10:30 because she couldn't get you to eat. "What's the trick to feeding your daughter!?!?" Basically patience. I knew you wanted Mommy & not the bottle. This made me sad. But the picture I have of you on my desk helped me through. I couldn't WAIT for 4:30 so we could come pick you up!

I was so excited to see you when we got to Paula's. You were a little cranky for her but it's to be expected. You both need to get used to each other & you new to get adjusted to your new schedule. I knew it'd be ok. When we got home.. the power was out! Daddy was NOT happy. We were planning to have stroganoff for dinner. "That means we can't cook!?!?!" Your Daddy is so silly. I started to feed you & we decided to go look at a house I read about in the newspaper. "Just listening to the pitter patter of the Blackberry ball" Did I mentioned your Daddy is silly. We headed out once you were finished. We ended up finding "Applegate Estates" not too far outside of Buckhannon that's a new development. We would LOVE to live out there some day!! We're starting to save money now so we can get us a nice house sometime hopefully in the next few years!

Afterward, we went to Sheetz to pick up some dinner because we figured we weren't going to have power when we got home. We did though when we pulled up to the house shortly before 7. We ate immediately & then my phone rang around 7:20. It was your Grammy. As soon as she started talking, I could hear it in her voice. I knew something was wrong. But she went through the motions of asking how you were with the babysitter & how my first day of work was. I was really brief with the answers because I knew what she was about to say.... My Grammy (your great-grandma) passed away at 7:00, just 20 minutes before.

I immediately started to sob. Daddy was holding you & I looked at him & just mouthed the words. The two of you hugged me while I stayed on the phone. I was so scared that she had been alone when it happened (she was at hospice - Liza's Place - at this time). She wasn't though, Uncle Bob had been with her. My dad, Grandpa, had just left at 5:30. I hung up because we were both just crying. The 3 of us sat on the couch together just hugging & being together while Mommy cried.

I sat there with my thoughts for quite awhile. I realized not only would my Grammy not want me to be sad, I shouldn't be sad. She's where she wanted to be, in Heaven, with Jesus. She wasn't suffering or in pain anymore. She was finally free of her cancer. Also, she got to meet YOU, just 5 weeks before. That meant more to me than anything, she met you.

I wish you had gotten to know each other when Grammy wasn't sick. She always seemed so much younger than she ever was. She could have taught you so many things & you would have had so much fun together! What's important now, just like your Daddy said, she's watching over you.. over all of us. She gets to see you every single day. I bet she's so happy to watch you grow & see how happy the three of us are. I can't wait to share so many stories with you about her one day.

For Maddie

Kinsley,

I have been following another blog, Another Day Stronger. A blog about a Mommy, Daddy & their little girl, Madison (that's her on the left!). Maddie passed away a month ago yesterday at 4 months old, she was exactly 3 months older than you. I read her Mommy's blog everyday to see how she's doing. She blogs about the most inspirational things. She's even starting her own business making blocks & bows so in the future, she can be a stay-at-home mom. Kellie is such a strong Mommy. I can't imagine going through what she is going through now. The first day I read her about what happened to Baby Madison, you were sleeping on my lap & I just cried & cried & cried. I can't imagine....

Earlier, I told you about the walk that you & I went on yesterday. Today, I read Kellie's blog & saw that she wanted everyone to take their little one's out yesterday in memory of Maddie. How about that?! We were celebrating Maddie & we didn't even know it!! I think about them every day, so to read this made me so happy. Their story has made me soak up every single moment I have with you even more, not to take a single second for granted. Maddie always wore big bows (see the picture above!), in fact, Kellie says that she loved them! For that reason, I'm so glad I had one on you yesterday. I want to tell you more about Kellie & Maddie soon & especially when you're older. We can learn a lot from them.

(To: Madison -- From: Kinsley)

We were both so happy yesterday & now I know it was for Maddie & Kellie. Together, we were all celebrating her precious life. Kellie asked her readers to post pictures of their little ones out yesterday, especially with their bows. This one is for MADDIE!

Spring

Sunday is the first day of spring, Kinsley, but yesterday was incredible! We had a little change on plans on the day. Daddy was supposed to have a doctor's appt. at 11. He went & they were closed, so he came home. We were so happy. He informed us some people from work were going to the 88 to watch WVU in the first round of the NCAA tournament. All 3 of us were decked out in our blue & gold. The game started at 12:15. Kevin, John & Caitlin joined us & we all had lunch. This was Daddy's first real outing with you. You were INCREDIBLE! Just hung out in your carrier, fell asleep on my shoulder, went back in your carrier & I held you at the end. You were soooo well behaved for the entire 2 1/2 hours. You hardly made a fuss. Everyone kept commenting on how good you were. Mommy & Daddy were so proud, Daddy especially!

Afterward, we came home & Daddy went back to the office. I finished up a little laundry & got us all ready for a walk. I put your sunglasses on you for the first time. You couldn't really keep them up, but OH MY GOODNESS did you look cute in them. I couldn't quit smiling/laughing! We walked through campus & over to the Admissions Office. We visited with all of them for a little while (they loved your WVU) attire. Then, it was 4:30 & time to leave. We walked back while Daddy drove. When we got back, Daddy had the grill fired up. We had grilled chicken (Cracker Barrel style) & salad. It was delicious & so nice to have all the windows open & just enjoy the weather after a long, long winter.

Daddy just left about an hour ago for his first golf tournament of the season. It's down in Beckley, WV. He'll be gone until Sunday evening. This is going to be my first REAL night alone with you. I'm a little nervous, but I know we'll be okay. Never forget for a second that Daddy is gone because it's his job & he's only helping to provide for us. I'm just glad he loves it as much as he does. He really misses you though Kinsley, alot. I can tell it's hard for him to leave you all the time, but just remember he has to do it. I'm glad the season has started because that just means it'll be over sooner. I'm ready for us to spend some REAL quality time together, just the 3 of us. We haven't really gotten that since you've been born. It'll be a great summer. Well, I'm about to take you for another walk.... I'll write again soon!

2 month check-up

Well, you did it, baby! You went for your 2 month check-up yesterday. You now weight 12lbs 12 oz & are 24 inches long. You've gained almost 5 pounds since you left the hospital & grew 4 inches. I can't believe it. Oh yeah, you're also in the 95th percentile for height & weight. That means, if there were 100 babies in a room.. you're be longer & weigh more than 95 of them. YOU'RE SO BIG!! Daddy & I keep laughing & telling you that's what happens when you decide to be 12 days overdue. You're more like a 10 week old to us!

You were having so much fun at the doctors. You were laying on the table talking, cooing, laughing, kicking like crazy & just carrying on looking at everything. When the nurse & Dr. Pearson came in, you just looked at them as they moved you all over checking your eyes, ears, legs, belly.. everything. You LOVE the paper on the table, hearing it crinkle. It makes you kick your legs harder & faster. You were so funny.

Then, came the not so fun part. You had to have 3 of your first round of vaccinations & another kind in liquid form. You didn't mind the liquid one so much.. you just sat there & watched the nurse as she gave it to you. Then, the shots. Daddy held one hand, I held the other. We brought Lyon, Daddy kept playing him for you. Lyon didn't do anything for you =/ You SCREAMED. You turned completely red & held your breath for the longest time, longer than you normally do when you're mad. It was so hard for Mommy not to cry. My eyes were full of tears, I just stayed as strong as I could for you. Though you don't know who he is yet. You got Scooby-Doo band-aids. They looked so cute on your little legs because they were so big. You were asleep before we even got back to the house which isn't even a mile away. You pretty much slept until 8:30. You didn't want to be anywhere sleeping though other then on Mommy or Daddy's arms. When you did wake up though, you were a brand new baby, it was like nothing had happened. We layed you on the bed & you just talked to us & kicked those little legs like crazy. It made me laugh because Dr. Pearson said if you kicked your legs you might cry because they would be sore. But not you! Like Daddy says, "you're tough!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Kinsley! "St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time., a day to turn winter's dreams into summer's magic!" It's BEAUTIFUL today. It's going to be almost 70 degrees & sunny. I think I've convinced Daddy to fire up the grill for dinner tonight since he'll be home with us ALL evening! I think I'll take you for a walk this afternoon, maybe we'll take 2! I love you so much sweetie!


"May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, the angels protect you & Heaven accept you." ~Irish Blessing

2 Months

I cannot believe it's been 2 months since you've been born. More than that, how much you've changed & grown. Some of my favorite things:

• your gummy smiles
• the way you "talk"
• how you stretch in the morning, especially when your legs go so straight we can't get your diaper on
• the way you move your hands all over your face while you're eating
• the noises/grunting noises you make when you're eating
• how you lift one eyebrow
• sticking your tongue in & out like a little lizard

• how you lick your "ice cream cone"
• when you "french" Daddy when he tries to kiss you
• the way you love your "Lyon" the Lion
• how happy you are on your changing table
• the way you kick 1 leg when you're ready to eat & stop as soon as you start eating
• how peaceful you are when you sleep
• that you love to snuggle
• that you love riding in the car & looking out the window
• how you try to laugh
• that you like to dance
• your little lips & CHUBBY cheeks

Home

Yesterday, Daddy came home from Florida around 6am. He snuck in & gave you a kiss while you were sleeping before jumping right into bed to get some sleep himself since he drove ALL night. Grandpa came to pick up Grammy around noon after she was here babysitting & helping mommy out the last 2 weeks. You had so much fun with her. We can't believe how much you've changed in those 2 weeks, especially Daddy. "She got so big!" he said. Since he's been gone, you're officially in all your 3 month clothes. Mommy had to do some organizing last week. I put all your newborn & 0-3 month clothes in storage that you've grown out of & organized your drawers with all your 'big girl' clothes.
Mommy's in between jobs right now. Next week I'll start at Wesleyan. I'm so glad I decided to take a week of between AB & WVWC. It's so nice to have this week at home with you. I missed our daily routine together. This morning you were so happy. You sat in your bouncer for about an hour while I showered, got ready for the day & did some cleaning. You started to fuss so I put you in your swing. Now I'm watching you in there.. sound asleep. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I could watch you sleep for hours. You're so beautiful.

Also, you're 2 months old day. I can't believe it!!! I hope to take some pictures of you later on. Mommy's going to run & get some more things done while you're sleeping. I love you!

Last day

Well, I guess I've come full circle. It's time to turn the page on an amazing part of my life. It's my last day as an Admissions Counselor at Alderson-Broaddus College. I can't believe it. I've learned so much, have done & seen so many things, & have met SOOO many incredible people since starting here September 1, 2009.

(Wearing purple to raise awareness for Pancreatic Cancer. You were in mommy's belly here.. 8 months pregnant. Kim & Dyanna were missing from this picture)

So many times that first year I questioned why I was in Philippi, WV. I always said I was moving south, going to Florida where it was warm. Central West Virginia, in the mountains, where it snows.. constantly.. what am I doing here?! The chain of events that led me here, I still can't wrap my mind around. Against all odds, I followed my heart, went with my gut & made the move to this foreign place where I knew not a soul! I was ready to move away, be on my own, provide for myself and become even more independent.

One thing led to another & I met your Daddy through Admissions. My director was Daddy's Admissions Counselor at Davis & Elkins when he was applying to college. By the first part of 2010 I realized I was in love with him & in May we found out I was pregnant. At work, I requested to stop traveling Ohio but to be in-state.

(Wearing green in support of agriculture)

By September I received an email from Daddy saying one of the girls in their office was leaving & that I was recommended to fill her position. I couldn't believe it! I was so proud of myself for having made such an impression on people after just a year of counseling. I decided with our litle baby on the way.. I had to go for it. I wouldn't be traveling as much, it offered more opportunity, Daddy & I would see each other more, AND.. I'd be closer to you. After we spent several days discussing it, I knew it was the best decision for our family.. I immediately applied.

I interviewed in October & in November, I got the call. I was driving on the interstate from Charleston to Barboursville, WV when I got the call from John. I GOT THE JOB! John sent me the nicest email mentioning that I was one of the best applicants they had had in quite sometime. Again, I was so proud of myself. I accepted the job the next day.

To have been given such an amazing opportunity at A-B was incredible. Again, just another piece of the puzzle in our lives that was the makings of 'someone else'. We're definitely watched over Kinsley, there's no doubt about it. I'm just so happy that I'm going to be closer to you & traveling less so I can spend more time with you. I'm so excited for what opportunity lies ahead.

(The office minus Dyanna who was home sick)

(Burbick Hall where my office was located with a beautiful view)

I cried as I shut my office for the last time with all of my belongings in tow. It was so surreal that that was the last time it would be MY office. There are so many things I'm going to miss about that place.. my coworkers being at the top of that list. Again, I'm so thankful for that opportunity. Without it, I NEVER would have met Daddy. I am so lucky & so extremely blessed.

Two of the most humbling part of the day.. Erica told me something that Matt said to her in private. "I'm not mad that she's leaving, I'm mad that our rival is getting such a great counselor." The office threw me a nice luncheon too, complete with Subway sandwiches, Minestrone soup, deviled eggs, meat & cheese, chips & cupcakes. Afterward we took a group picture & Kim made a super sweet facebook status: "Congratuations WVWC, you're getting one of our best, Leah Blazeski." How lucky am I?..

Kinsley, always remember that if you work hard, do your best & be kind to people... it pays off in the end. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Daddy's in Florida

Last Thursday night, March 3rd, Daddy came home from North Carolina only to unpack & repack for Spring Break in Florida with the baseball team. He was so happy when he got home to see you. I sat on the couch & held you on my lap while he was in our bedroom packing. It was the most adorable thing. You just sat there, cooed and watched his every move. He was bouncing back & forth from our room, to yours, to the laundry room gathering things for the trip. You didn't take your eyes off of him. I've never seen anything so precious.

As he was finishing up, I took you in the room to see him. I layed you on the bed & we were both talking to you. He kept talking about how much he was going to miss his little girl, especially those chubby cheeks & your little kisses. We decided that you wanted to go too so we layed you on top of the suitcase. You fit perfect! I took a picture because it was the cutest thing.. I'll post it soon.

Daddy left right from work on Friday. When we woke up Saturday morning, I called him to see where he was & how the trip was progressing. He was just 35 minutes away from their destination & was just driving by the Disney World exits (I can't WAIT to take you there sometime!).

6 days later Daddy is now on the eastern side of the state finishing up games the next 2 days. You miss him. Though you can't talk, I can just tell, you want Daddy-Daughter time. I can't blame you. You have an amazing father & we're both so lucky to have him in our lives, Kinsley. I was excited to learn he'd be back SUPER early Sunday morning, probably by the time you & I are waking up for the day. That means we get to spend the ENTIRE day with him on Sunday. He'll need a good nap though. Maybe we'll snuggle & join him! :)

He'll be home in 3 days, Kinsley & I just can't wait. I miss our routine; Daddy helping with bathtime, Daddy changing your diaper, his sweet little voice he uses when he talks to you, the way he gives you little kisses, how he plays with you, Lyon time, his help when you wake up at night. Most of all, I miss just the 3 of us spending time together. We hate that he's had to miss out on this last week, baby, but just remember he wouldn't leave you for a minute if he didn't have to, I wouldn't either. 3 more days..........

Grammy: Out of commission

Monday (3/7/11) around 11:20am, I got a call at work from Grammy that she needed to go to Urgent Care because she threw her back out. I immediately left & darted home. As soon as I got there, I packed you up & we headed up to St. Joseph's. By the time Grammy was in the back for awhile, you had woken up & it was time to eat. We went out to the car so I could feed you & ended up falling asleep together in the backseat. Grammy called & told us to go home because she had to get an IV & CT scan.

We went home for a few hours & you fell asleep on me. Phone rang around 4:30 & it was Grammy saying she was finished & to come pick her up. We got there & the nurse said she wasn't ready. An hour later I asked if we could please go back because she had called over an hour before. Poor Grammy was really sick from the pain medicine they gave her. You started to get fussy in the room so I took you out of your carrier & just held you. You were so happy then, just looking around all over the place. Before too long, we were able to leave.

We got home & put Grammy to bed. You & I picked up her medicine & settled in for the night. I called my boss, Matt, to see if I could come in the next day at noon to make sure everyone was okay. The next morning Grammy woke up & tried some toast. It didn't go over well. She felt nauseas & back to bed she went. I talked to Matt again & he said to just stay home, that you & Grammy were more important to take care of. I wasn't going to fight him, as guilty as I felt, I was happy to have a day at home with my baby doll! We took several little mini-naps together, mommy was wore out from all the commotion. Grammy felt better by that evening & was able to have a little dinner with me. You were such a good & patient little girl through the whole thing. Thank you, baby!

It's a Beautiful Day

Thursday, February 17th 2011

Other than meeting your Daddy & your birth, this was one of the best days of my life. It was such a warm, sunny, beautiful day. You were taking a nap while I was getting caught up on some housework. I got a text message from your Daddy around 2:20pm that read, "Ps... you and Kinsley need to be ready for an outdoor adventure when I get home!! No questions just go with it!! Bring your camera."

So at 4:30, we did just that. We were all ready to go. Daddy picked us up & we were headed east to Elkins. I was so confused. Daddy drove right through Elkins & hung a left. Where were we headed?! We ended up in a National Forest, heading up a dirt road as wide as the car, on the side of a mountain (I later found out this was called Bickle's Knob). Suddenly, the road was covered in snow & ice.. it was horrible! I'm usually never afraid of these conditions, but with you in the car, a thousand scenarios were running through my head. Getting stuck, no cell service, no one knew where we were, freezing, bears, going over the cliff... you name it! I kept looking down, covering my eyes & talking to you to get through. You were just gazing out the window like it was no big deal.

We got to a clearing & Daddy turned around the car around because the conditions weren't any better up ahead. He said he knew of a scenic overlook right off the main road we could go to insead, but I could tell he was disappointed. I felt bad.

He said the overlook was at the top of the next mountain, it wasn't. Nothing at the top of the second mountain either. He said we'd go one more & then he was stopping because at this point, it was starting to get dark. At the third mountain, again, there was no overlook. We pulled off & there happened to be a side road so we parked just off of it. It actually had a beautiful view of the mountains & down into the valley. I was snapping pictures & had Daddy hold your carrier on the guardrail so I could snap some of you. I'm so glad we did.. they turned out adorable & reminded us of a commercial that always made us think of you & laugh while I was still pregnant.



After this, Daddy kept asking me about this terribly awful looking road that went up the adjacent mountain & if we should try going up there. Little did I know he was trying to distract me. I said 'absolutely no't & it looked like a private drive. We were fine right where we were! At that moment, I turned around to see the two loves of my life. You, in your carrier gazing up at me & your Daddy next to you, down on one knee. I couldn't believe my eyes as he presented me with the most gorgeous ring I have ever seen. I gave him the biggest hug & kiss, then of course... said 'yes'.

Although I never pictured things to happen in the sequence that they did, Kinsley, it meant the world to me to have you there with us. To witness your Daddy & I truly making a commitment to each, to vow to be together "'til death do us part." I love you both with all that I have.

Rewind

Since I didn't start this blog until you were 6 weeks old, I'm going to do a little rewinding to talk about some memories we had before the blog.

Sleeping

Kinsley,

It's 7:02am. Mommy is up & ready for work, giving you a little more time to sleep. You are so completely precious when you're sleeping. I could stare at you forever, in fact, I often find myself doing just that. I was up with you around 5am to change & feed you. You fell back asleep on my shoulder, face toward mine, with your little mouth wide open. I rested my cheek against yours. It's so soft. I could feel your breath against my neck & hear you breathing. I never wanted that moment to end. I want to remember it forever. I treasure those little moments that we share together.I hear you in the bedroom grunting. This is what you do when you're either leaving a little present in your diaper or waking up. I should get going so that I can feed you before I leave for work. I'm making my best effort to be on time today (on time to me is early). I plan to catch up on some notes to you today at work. Things have been hectic around here lately. I love you my precious little angel.

First night without Daddy

Wednesday, March 2nd

Daddy had to leave for North Carolina for an Admissions conference yesterday. He came home to grab his things & see you real quick before he left. Grammy said he gave me a bunch of kisses. Daddy said you were being a good girl. When Mommy got to town after work he hadn't left just yet, so I was able to see him too. That me be SO happy.

It was my first night with you, without Daddy. Although Grammy was there to help, I was nervous of how things would go through the night, if you realized he was gone. First of all, I mastered the "Swaddle Me". Daddy is the professional swaddler & swaddles you every night. Mommy gets frustrated because I never do it right & you pop right out. Last night, I got it on the first try!!! You were asleep by 10:50. You woke a little before 5am, ate briefly & went right back to sleep until after 8.

You were so precious this morning. I couldn't believe it was after 8 & you weren't up yet (Mommy didn't have to go to work until noon). I heard you fussing but didn't think you were awake. I looked in your bassinet. You were laying there, wide-eyed, with the sun shining on your little face. I went over to you to say 'good morning'.. you gave me the biggest smile. I caught a picture of it on my cell phone & sent it to Daddy (I'll post it soon). He texted back & said 'It made my day".

It was great getting to spend a few hours with you this morning. I fed you twice, you played for awhile & talked to me. Then, you fell asleep on my chest for awhile. I had to hand you off to Grammy so I could shower. Then, you woke & ate just before I left. I put you in your bouncy so I could head out. You were SO happy. I gave you a bunch of kisses & were talking so much. I hated to leave... I love those precious moments with you. Daddy comes home tomorrow night.. yay!

6 weeks

Monday, February 28th

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks. 6 weeks & 3 days since you've been born. You've changed so much. I have cherished every moment I've gotten to spend with you while I was home. Unfortunately, I'm back to work. You're at home with Grammy. It's 1:30 & I've called at least 5 times already to check on you & see what you're doing.

This morning you were playing on your jungle gym playmat. Grammy said you were smiling. I got off the phone & began crying in my office. I miss you so much. I miss that smile, those coos & your precious face. You've grown so much in the last 6 weeks.

In 6 weeks you've taught me so much. Most importantly, the importance of life. There is so much more meaning to life than I realized before. I've learned to cherish the little things, the precious moments; all of our time together, the 3 of us. I love our little family.

Yesterday, you went for your first walk. It was such a warm, sunny & beautiful day for the end of February is central West Virginia. You had so much fun. We were gone for over an hour & you were awake the entire time. Daddy put your Ohio State beanie on your little head to keep you warm. The basketball team played at 4:00 against Indiana. They won. You're the reason, in my mind!

I can't wait to go home & see you, hug you, smother you with kisses & hear about all the fun things you did today! The hardest part about leaving isn't so much the aching in my heart. It's more about you. I don't want you to wonder where I am. I'm afraid you think I've abandoned you. I'll be home soon, I promise. I just got you into a daily routine you seem to be comfortable with, I don't want to mess you up. I miss Daddy coming home from lunch for an hour just to see you & so the 3 of us can be together. Did I mention I miss you? (I'm struggling to fight back the tears).

In 6 weeks your eyes have gotten brighter & your smile bigger. Speaking of bigger, you're growing soo much. Over 12 pounds now! Oh, and last night, you slept through the entire night for the first time! Daddy & I couldn't believe it, I still can't. I'm so proud of you. 6 weeks.....

The Next Chapter

Monday, February 28th 2011
I'm starting this blog, Kinsley, to write to you. To speak to you about our lives together. Yours, mine, & Daddy's. To help us all remember the little details that we remember & cherish today, but so often forget tomorrow. I want the three of us to remember them forever. To look back, reminisce & smile at the memories & the love that we share. I hope you enjoy.

Love, Mommy